Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Empty Wallet, empty faith?

This post was going to be entitled The Joys of Being a Stay At Home Dad.

Truthfully? The job is amazing, but when you're struggling financially, it takes all the air out of the fun. I'm still looking for work, but I feel like I'm in a no-win situation: Can't find a job in my field, too overqualified for work in other fields.

None of the temp agencies I've signed up for have been able to find work for me. Target told me they had nothing available. And to top if off, a freelance job is a few weeks late giving me the payment, a payment that would have made our move to Virginia a lot smoother.

It's as if all the worst-case scenarios of moving to Virginia have come true. Before I moved, I anticipated either having a job immediately, or having that freelance money come through to tide me over while looking for work. And neither of those have happened.

My sister thinks I am suffering from depression. That's probably true. I'm always tired. Sometimes I don't feel like I have the motivation to sit down and do a simple blog post. But I really feel like getting a job in order to make ends meet would cheer me up. It'd be nice to be able to go to the movies without feeling like I'm breaking my piggy-bank's back.

Even though it doesn't feel that way, I know God is there. Or is he? Yeah he is, otherwise I wouldn've have a place to stay, food or anything. And it's probably my fault for not doing a daily prayer and Bible reading devotional. I probably wouldn't want to help me either. Checking Facebook first thing in the morning instead of praying. That's awful.

But I think of St. Teresa of Avila who allegedly said, "If this is how you treat your friends, then it is no wonder you have so few of them." I just want to scream sometimes. "Lord I'm doing everything possible to try to help my own situation, can you please show me something, anything?"

That freelance check coming through this week would be a miracle. Or the rest of our security deposit from our place in Harrisburg, which had to be mailed on Monday. That'd be nice. Thank God my sister is willing to help us out during this transition (she will be paid back in full), but that's the word there: transition. We're stuck in that transition, like purgatory for people on the move.

I don't need a sign from God. Just some assurance he's there. And right now, I don't feel like I even have that. So while I'm waiting, I'll make the best of it. I've applied at every retail chain I can think of, so today I'll find more. I'm proud of my family's military heritage, maybe I'll hit up a recruiter for the reserves (or active-duty, what the Hell do I have to lose?).

And I'll make the daily readings my first priority. If God won't show up in my life, I'll do everything I can to find him.

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